The author Pete Walker talks about 4 different trauma responses in his book and on his website. They are: Fight Flight Freeze Fawn Fight response is where the person uses anger and control in order to take their frustrations out on others, to feel more powerful and better than someone else in order to avoid the pain of feeling powerless. They believe that they can create a feeling of safety by having control over the people around them. A lot of narcissists and abusers are fight types. This is probably how a lot of kids turn into bullies. Flight response people strive ...
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An Introduction to Empathy, Sociopaths, Narcissists, and Autism
Empathy What is empathy, exactly? Empathy is the ability to recognize and experience the feelings of another person, to see things from their perspective and to understand what they're feeling as if you're feeling it yourself. Since most people don't talk about how they're feeling, the ability to empathize generally depends on interpreting non-verbal cues. If you have never felt what another person is feeling, it will not be possible to empathize with them about that particular feeling. It's also difficult to empathize with others when one is not aware of one's own feelings. Higher emotional sensitivity and awareness leads to higher levels of empathy. ...
Narcissists – what they do, and how to avoid them
Things narcissists do There are different types of narcissists that might use different types of tactics. Some might be aggressive and domineering, some might play the victim to get people to feel sorry for them. These are just examples. There's no guarantee a particular narc will use all of them. They tell you what you want to hear, to make you feel good about them, so that they can get you to do something for them. They do favours for you and then hold it up as evidence that they're generous and helpful, to pressure you into doing something for them. ...
Internal Family Systems (IFS) – What it is and how it works
IFS is a trauma healing method developed by family therapist Richard Schwartz, PhD. According to Internal Family Systems, everyone has multiple 'personalities', referred to as 'parts', that live inside their psyche, and that have their own thoughts, feelings and needs. Let's imagine them like children passengers on a bus. There is also the Self, which is like the driver of the bus. In IFS, all parts are welcome and valid, and none are considered bad. This is because all of them are only trying to help in the best way they know how. Self-leadership "Each person is born with an unencumbered spot, free of ...
The benefits of very low contact with parents
I've been very low contact with my parents for quite some time now, several months. We're mostly limited to the occasional email. This has been so very helpful for my mental health! I have my email set up so that my parents emails get filtered into their own folder that doesn't get checked automatically when I check the rest of my mail, so I don't ever get notified about anything they send me, and I have to manually go in there to see what they've sent, if anything. This makes it very easy to ignore them entirely for as long as ...
Gray Rock
Certain people, particularly narcissists, feed off of your emotional reactions to things. The best way to not 'feed' them is to avoid them entirely, but that's not always possible. So, what do you do when you happen to be around one of these vampires? Be as boring as possible. Be a gray rock. I hate dishonesty, but in some cases, with certain people, it may actually be safer not to be honest. If expressing your true opinions and feelings around a person makes you feel unsafe in any way, avoid that person like the plague. If that's not possible (yet), then ...
Forgiveness
Have you ever tried to tell someone about an abusive person in your past, and they said you should forgive them and move on? How did that make you feel? I get angry when people suggest things like that, as if I can just flip a switch and forgive them and suddenly that makes everything okay. It does not. There's no off-switch for trauma. Wouldn't it be nice if there was? I'm going to go all analytical here about the concept of Forgiveness, starting with the dictionary definition of the word: Definition of forgive, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary: transitive verb to cease ...
Anger is a useful emotion
Have you ever heard people say anger is bad and that you should try to "let it go"? Anger has a bit of a bad reputation, but I believe there's no such thing as a bad emotion. They all have a purpose, and anger is no exception. As with all emotions, it can be used in productive ways, or in unproductive ways. What can we learn from anger? Notice what kinds of things make you angry. As one example, I'm 100% guaranteed to get angry when people hurt children and animals. This tells me that I value children and animals and that ...
How I manage my Emotional Flashbacks
What is an emotional flashback? Pete Walker describes it like this: "Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness." It's kind of like being stuck in a dark tunnel. I can't see who I am anymore, ...
My Inner Emptiness is a Narcissist Magnet
This was written by my awesome friend Kait. I was asked a particularly interesting question. Thankfully, I knew the answer right away. The question being, “What made you so susceptible to narcissists?”. I can safely say that I have welcomed four into my life with open arms; a best friend, a lover, a pedophile and someone I considered a life partner for five and a half years. Something all of these people shared in common is yes, they really do look for kind people. In terms more in depth, they look for people who have the capacity to give and give ...